I’ve had two more nights of weird and scary dreams, clearly they’re anxiety induced…in every single one someone is trying to hurt or kill me. Awesome. I told Eric that I blame the decision to run…clearly, running was a bad idea! Then my BFF had to go and point out that maybe they’re related to lingering anxiety over the Boston Marathon bombings. Duh. I knew in the moment that I was scared. I knew in the moment that all those feelings of being helpless and out of control in a big, nasty world would haunt me somehow but I managed to forget that “somehow” includes dreams. So, here is hoping that the clarity helps end the dreams. Pretty please? I’m tired of barely surviving my nights and it shows. Please take no notice of the chick nodding off in the corner!

In other happier news, we have done our 2nd family run and it went amazingly well! We used all new visual markers because we don’t want him to get fixated on any specific markers and he giggled his way through 2.5 miles of walking and running. I have never enjoyed running more than I do right now.

Caleb insists on holding tightly to my wrist. He runs in great big, galloping, strides alternately racing towards his dad or turning his shining face towards me. When we are walking he greets other walkers and runners, he offers high fives to a few and smiles to all. It is an amazing thing to run next to this boy and watch people watch him. It doesn’t matter if it’s a 70 year old woman, a 20 something drenched in sweat and running a pace I will never reach or a parent pushing a stroller…their faces soften when they see him and they’re smiling by the time we pass them. A few times I looked over my shoulder, watching for bikes or runners approaching from behind, to see people looking over their shoulders at him.

This child is a gift, I feel it all the way to my toes and my heart just bursts with pride when I see others, complete strangers, recognize it.

I’ve set myself a goal, either I or Eric will catch Caleb on video during one of our upcoming runs…you really just gotta see this…he might even make you want to run!

The sun is shining, leaves are appearing on the trees after a long, long winter, the birds are singing and none of that matters because it’s Monday. I’m not normally a total Monday hater but I woke up this morning absolutely drained. It’s completely understandable since I spent my entire night with auto theft rings ((Mercedes, BMW, Lexus and Oldsmobile??)), spiders ((Oh, holy CRAP it was huge!)) and muggers ((He did not get my wallet, I screamed bloody murder.)) all while schlepping around a prom dress and a wedding dress because no one would tell me which one I needed to wear. So. Clearly I cannot be expected to be shining, blooming or singing today. Also, just as clearly, there is something really wrong with my brain’s wiring ((Please just act surprised by that admission, OK?)).

In an effort to turn my day around I’m focusing on this…yesterday Eric lost his mind announced that he was going to restart a 5K training program. He decided that he would use this particular program because it would have him in 5K shape faster than the Couch-to-5K program we used the last time we lost our minds decided to run a 5K. I am fairly sure that he purposefully told me this in the car, while I was distracted by Subway Surfers ((Thanks for the heads up Allison & Parker!)), because there is no other explanation for what happened next…

“OK. Hey, CALEB and I should do it too!”

Eric immediately agreed that was a great idea.

Srsly. WTF?

When we got home from shopping we all changed into running clothes, it was then that I clued Caleb in on the fact that he’d been sucked into Money’s colossally stupid plan too. We managed to get him out the front door but the dude immediately put on the brakes and informed us he had to pee, poop or, since we didn’t buy either of those, spit (vomit)…complete with amazingly realistic sound effects. We cheerfully ignored him and marched his little bum up the street toward the park. After we completed our five minute warm up walk, Eric and I dutifully began jogging when the audio signal played. And we jogged and jogged and jogged…in place, forward, backward and in circles but we did not make any overall forward progress because Monkey was now cheerfully ignoring us. Where on earth did he pick up that habit, I wonder?

Eric decided that the problem was where we were running so we walked the remainder of the way to the park. Eric restarted the timer and when the audio signal played again we began jogging. Monkey even jogged! Three steps. Then he announced he had to pee, and grabbed himself just to illustrate since we suddenly both seemed to have become deaf. Now, if we hadn’t known for certain that he did not have to go (this is his favorite delay tactic), we would have felt really bad about telling him, “No, you do not. Let’s run!” Instead we only felt a little bad because everyone who was walking, jogging or biking around us clearly thought we were being assholes to this preshus little cherub. Meh. Mind you’re own business. And now…RUN, soldier….RUNNNNNNN!!

Nope. Not gonna do it.

So Eric and I do what we always do, eventually, we adapt. I generously told Eric that he could run and that I would just stay with Caleb and walk. Heh. Eric did the first cycle alone and while Caleb and I were walking I realized something really, really weird…I’d actually wanted to run and was a little disappointed. Srsly. WTF?

I wracked my brain for all 90 seconds of that first cycle and Eric returned to us to do the walking portion. When the audio tone sounded again, Eric took off and I suddenly had an epiphany…audio signals…C had no timer! They were completely random as far as he was concerned and completely random is bad ((Very, very, very, very bad!)) for kids with fragile X induced anxiety. D’oh! So I found a visual (a fence post) and told Caleb, “When we get to that fence post we are going to jog until the end of the fence.” When we reached the fence post, we BOTH began jogging, and instead of whining and grabbing his crotch…he was laughing. I’m a frickin’ genius.

We finished our entire run this way. We didn’t make it through Day 1 of the program officially…and our time was glacial…but we did it. We went for a run as a family and we had fun. Woah. How awesome is that? Totally worth shining, blooming and singing over!

Yesterday, I put my fragile X carrier anxiety on full display for you ((I hope it was more fun for you than it was for me!)) and once again I’m reminded why my life has been 100,000,000,000 times better since I’ve become involved in the fragile X community. If you didn’t read the comments, you should go back and do that.

To sum up…this was about my fear, not Caleb’s. I should prepare him in advance with a social story (a handy copy of one to modify was e-mailed to me even), I should invite some of his friends, I should not let this hold me back, I have to keep trying, someone volunteered to go with us and I was reminded that even a small victory is still a victory.

Oh, also, I was provided with my newest favorite mantra…

“Turn your fear into fierce! <3“

How awesome is that?? Thanks Angie!

This is exactly why so many of us refer to the fragile X community as “the coolest club no one wants to join” or comments that if it had to be something, that we are lucky it was fragile X. I cannot think of any community that is as close and as supportive as this one.

I love you all! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

We’re totally going for it. I do have to say I’m pretty shocked though that no one suggested alcohol or Xanax for me beforehand 😉